Battling depression
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silverygit
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Sun Dec 22, 2019 6:05 pm
How are you all doing?

I just wanted to pour out some feelings and maybe share tips and tricks from others who might have dealt with this.

I have finally started my career as an English as a Second Language Teacher, and I have never been this depressed.

I am trying to find help and get an appointment with a specialist. I always seem to postpone things until I break down.

I am on vacations and I barely get anything done and I have been dealing with a lot of issues.

1) I don't even try to make promises anymore because I can't keep them. I have cancelled plans numerous times.

2) I don't do any activities outside correcting piles of endless things.

3) I have had 0 time to relax because I am dealing with my own lack of motivation, so it turns into anger and my living situation is not perfect either.

Most people tell me to stop dramatising things, that I just need to find something to take that random anger out on...all of this means spending more money that I don't have.

I did one thing for myself and it was to change car. I need it to go work and it helps with the uneven schedule. I wanted to buy something I would keep for a long time.

I am well aware that my text makes about 0 sense because this is how my brain is wired lately. I talk, I switch subject, I avoid people, I avoid talking about this.

Zanny is one of the few remaining place where I feel I can share without people judging me...I also understand that this post can be annoying to anyone who feels like I do.

I honestly don't want to take medication, I already take some to control the chronic pain from an accident back in 2015.

There is so much I want to talk about and have no idea where to start.

I love you Zanny <3
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Rayven
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Sun Dec 22, 2019 8:23 pm
Silvery I am so sorry to hear you're feeling like this. *hugs* We are definitely here for you, and feel free to vent and/or ask for help. Heart

I have been through this myself, especially when my living arrangements were bad too. I don't find myself depressed on a daily basis so I have my doubts that the chemicals in my brain aren't functioning well, but my environment plays a big part in how I feel and perhaps it affects me sooner/worse than it would someone else. I am unable to tolerate BS, toxicity, or abuse. At one point, years ago, I spent 2-3 years sleeping my life away because my life was so far out of my control. I had to make some tough decisions to get better. I cut some people out of my life that were abusive and toxic, one of which was my husband (now ex) and his family. I also had to ask the state to help me with my mentally ill son. I just couldn't live with him anymore. He was 14 when I made that decision and it broke my heart. He is still in my life, he's 22 now, but things have never been the same between us.

I really only have two pieces of advice. The first one someone gave me when I was at my lowest. He told me that a slowly sinking ship is miserable, and that sometimes we have to blow up the ship and start over. That has certainly applied to my life on several occasions. Starting over isn't fun, but sometimes it is necessary. The key is to figure out what needs to change. I'm not suggesting you do anything rash, but even small changes can help.

The second piece of advice is rather cliché, but it's important. Happiness is a choice. I know that is easier said than done, but we often have to make the choice to not dwell on things and go on with our lives. If I sat around the house everyday, and thought about all of the bad things in my life, I'd be depressed. I choose not to do that which naturally makes me happier. Dwelling on negative things, and worrying, doesn't help anyway. Instead, make a list of the things that are bothering you and work on fixing them. If they can't be fixed, choose to accept them. Recite the Serenity Prayer when you find yourself in turmoil.

If you're having trouble with a chemical imbalance these things may not help you very much, but it never hurts to work on our thinking. I also think that even if someone has a chemical imbalance they still probably have things in their life that could be improved to make them happier. Our environment matters. I don't believe most people are depressed for no reason.

Don't let others make you feel bad for feeling this way. No matter what, your feelings are valid and you are entitled to them.

Please go ahead and seek some professional help. It can't hurt. I wish you the best. Heart
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bohemian
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Mon Dec 23, 2019 8:08 am
I think finding a professional who you trust is extremely important. If you don't or can't find yourself able to trust them, move on until you find someone you can click with. It makes it so much easier to be open and not have to hide away a part of yourself while trying to get to a better place.

Also, be careful when it comes to medications. Sure some could help, but others can be a major hindrance to you and your journey to get yourself to a better place.
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Blazestorm
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Mon Dec 23, 2019 12:30 pm
Silvery, I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this, but am very happy that you feel safe enough here to express your thoughts and feelings, especially on such a personal and touchy topic. And yes, of course you can post, rant, and express yourself here Heart We are here for you and wish you only the best Yes
Scarz
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Mon Dec 23, 2019 3:56 pm
I have always found Zantarni to be a safe haven from the madness of the outside world. . .I am glad you feel that you can come here and feel safe enough to discuss this, Sir silverygit.
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silverygit
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Mon Dec 23, 2019 6:27 pm
Thank you everyone,

I've been trying to just get past the holidays and it doesn't even bring joy. I am just keeping to my own promise which is to go visit as many people as I can that I barely get to see. I went over a friend yesterday and I have never slept so peacefully. I was out of my apartment and out of any noise. All I heard was the wind blowing in the trees outside.

I forced myself to draw and it didn't work, I haven't picked up a book in ages although I love reading.

Just sleeping is a problem lately.

I have neighbors over my head so I always have to adapt to their schedule. This school year I start teaching high school at 7h50 and it is wayyyyy too early. I'll never make this mistake again but it is too late to change now.

I really appreciate all of you. Part of me being so absent is due to my lack of everything.
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Rayven
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Mon Dec 23, 2019 6:44 pm
silverygit wrote:
Just sleeping is a problem lately.




I was having that problem a while back too. It's harder not to think of bad stuff while laying in bad and it's quiet. Also, I always have bad dreams, the ones I can remember anyway. It really helps me if I physically exhaust myself. When I do that I pass right out and I don't remember my dreams as much. I find having a pet to sleep with really helps too. It's like having a living teddy bear. XD

You're very welcome. We're here for you. Very Happy
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Riley
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Mon Dec 23, 2019 11:20 pm
I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I've been fighting with depression for many many many years, so I can empathize with your posts. I've certainly been away for a bit myself because of my own depression and life circumstances.

The biggest piece of unsolicited advice I would give is to make an effort to take care of yourself, however that looks like. Like for me, one of my issues is my appetite goes out the window and I don't eat. So, I make sure to be aware of that. Stuff like that. And to not brush off the "little" things that you do, because they matter a lot. Took a shower? Great! Made sure you ate? Awesome! Took a nap! Also great! Did something you enjoyed? Good job! The little things matter, because some times, they can give you enough encouragement to keep that positive momentum going.

As for medication, perhaps that might be something to discuss with a professional when you find one. My med has certainly helped me, but I had to go through three different meds that didn't work to get to the one that's worked the best.

I hope things get better for you soon. We're here for you. Yes
silverygit
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Sun Dec 29, 2019 9:21 pm
Taking care of myself is relative, it feels like I have left my body down many times. medication has increased my weight so I am 200% conscious of how I look and I am a teacher so I have judge-y teenagers staring or not caring every day.

I wanted to get myself a professional massage, but everyone is booked, of course. I thought of different ways to relax but they all involve money.

I try to focus on little positive things, it isn't easy.

Some days I just wonder if I will do something or nothing at all.
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Rayven
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Mon Dec 30, 2019 12:02 am
silverygit wrote:
increased my weight so I am 200% conscious of how I look and I am a teacher so I have judge-y teenagers staring




I know how you feel, but I would try not to worry about them, Silvery. They're teenagers, who cares what they think?! XD They're worried about their pimples, hormones, etc. too. Most people are self-conscious, and are too worried about their own insecurities to worry about someone else. Even if people are judging us it doesn't really matter. Do we really want to care what strangers or acquaintances think? I'm ashamed to admit that I've just started realizing this myself in the past year or so. Life is too short to worry about such things.
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