Building a New Life
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Riley
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Mon Feb 18, 2013 3:49 am
Serious discussion time :3
Citizens of Zantarni seem to be the people I go to for these kinds of things - guess that means I trust you guys and value your wisdom =^^=


I've been thinking about this a lot and I know I can't be the only one who feels this way.

I moved out of my parent's house when I was 23 (about two years ago) and moved into my boyfriend's apartment. My parents and I have some relational problems and so I was very eager to leave their house. I won't go into it but it was a healthy choice to move out. I loved being away from them but a part of me grew really depressed that I was away from them. I was away from everything familiar to me. And I left all of our pets, which I loved very very very dearly. At their house, I had turned my room into My Sanctuary. It was my own world, I was the supreme empress and no one invaded it. When I moved out, I felt like that was taken from me. It got better over time but it was an apartment and I knew it wasn't going to be permanent. It never felt like home to me.

Then, my boyfriend proposed, we bought a house and got married.

Again, I was uprooted from what was becoming sort of familiar to me and moving into a larger space. It's better, now that I've been in the house for awhile, it's starting to feel like home.
Changing my last name sort of freaked me out though. It felt like I was erasing "me" and becoming someone else.

So, in the past two years, I have moved twice and gotten married. It feels like I'm facing an identity crisis but it feels silly to feel this way O.o

I can't be the only one, right?

So, people who have moved out of their parent's house and or married people, I need your words of wisdom.

Is this normal or am I just weird? (it's okay to tell me I'm weird XD )
How did you handle it?
How can I make this easier on myself?
Any other bits of wisdom that might help?
Rayven
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Mon Feb 18, 2013 4:01 am
Well I'm probably not the best one to ask because I've moved a gazillion times, and been married twice now. And to be honest no where except for the house I grew up in has ever felt like home. That's probably not what you want to hear though. I thought it was just me. They say home is where the heart is. I think that is part of my problem. I've had one failed marriage, and my current marriage is failing. So I guess my heart doesn't have a place to rest right now.

I'm not sure if I have any advice for you, but if you are happy in your marriage and you like your house ok I think that is all that matters. It may come to feel like home in time. You also have to love yourself to feel at peace. I currently don't love myself. I hope that you do. Does that help at all?
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Riley
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Mon Feb 18, 2013 4:07 am
It does help -nodnod- Thank you for sharing your experiences, Rayven, I do appreciate it!
My heart is definitely not at my parent's house anymore, though I'm not sure it ever was.
I love my house and I love my husband; I'm most at peace when I'm with him. Now if only I can expand that to the house as well...
I need to work on loving myself too. It's something I've struggled with ever since I can remember.
Scarz
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Mon Feb 18, 2013 4:15 am
Our lives are in a constant state of change, some for the better, some not so much; but it sounds like you had a good reason to leave home and the comfort of the known. . .and it sounds like you knew that moving to the apartment was going to be a temporary thing. Now that you are married and have a house to share with your husband, it is up to the two of you to turn that into your home, your sanctuary.

As to changing your name and feeling that you might be erasing yourself and becoming someone else. . .perhaps there is another way to look at it. . .rather than erasing yourself, you are writing a new chapter in the story of your life. . .a story that includes your husband and the life together that you share.

You will always be you and that is something very special.

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Riley
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Mon Feb 18, 2013 4:41 am
I guess we have been doing that with the buying of furniture and arranging it how we want it. We're not nearly finished yet but I suppose that's where patience comes in.

That's a better way to look at the name change and I'll be thinking of it that way. Though that one might be a little harder for me to work through.

Thanks, Scarz :3 I appreciate it!
WishingMoon
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Mon Feb 18, 2013 5:38 am
You made your sanctuary, every part of that sanctuary is you. Your name is what you gave to yourself, your home was given to you by you.

So everything you've ever needed can be given to you by you right now.

I would just sit down and watch something you've always loved, or read, or play a video game.

I remember when I was about 9, my parents got divorced, I moved out of my house. My friends stayed the same. For Christmas I got pokemon. 10+ years later I move cross country, I got pokemon for Christmas.

What you choose for yourself doesn't have to change, it just gets added too.

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Rayven
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Mon Feb 18, 2013 5:45 am
Wow! That was really beautiful Moon. *gives Moon a standing ovation*
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WishingMoon
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Mon Feb 18, 2013 5:47 am
-smiles- I try.
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Tisiel
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Mon Feb 18, 2013 5:56 am
I understand how you feel, Riley. I moved in with my fiance and got married within a couple of months. I also started a new job, in the same company but with whole new faces, a new position and a whole lot of new expectations... As exciting as everything was, I felt very uprooted and unmoored.

An easy and immediate recommendation I can offer is to grab one or two items you brought with you and put them in a focal place of honor in your home. It should help remind you of those feelings. And the act of placing them in the living room (for instance) will be a powerful testament that you have a much bigger bedroom! In face, it's a whole apartment's worth of space now! Wink

And remember that this new life with your husband is *yours*. More so than your old bedroom. Anytime you open that apartment door or walk into a room, remind yourself "It's mine." All this makes you more than just the supreme empress of a small space. You're no longer restricted to just "your room" for solace.

It's a pretty freeing realization to come to!

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Riley
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Tue Feb 19, 2013 12:07 am
Thank you, Moon and Tisiel :3

I had talked with my husband about this while we were in the apartment and he said the same thing; my sanctuary is the whole apartment (now house). Instead of being confined to just a room, I have more rooms now.

I do like that idea about putting a couple of items in a visible place; I think I will do that ^^
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Tue Feb 19, 2013 9:51 pm
I know how you feel. I moved to the US from Japan five months ago. New city, new apartment. New job. New boyfriend. New, well everything. Adjusting is hard, and I'm still doing it.

I haven't made a lot of friends here. I'm working a job that doesn't really feel like it's the best I can do. I need to reach out and do some exploring ... it's hard to because I don't drive and I hate asking people to do things for me.

I think every big transition brings about some changes. Routine changes I think most people get used to within a month. Social changes take longer. I think it takes a year or two to build a new social network after leaving an old one ... sometimes longer if you're not in a great position to do so. Not sure what it is that makes a house a home though. I think our apartment is getting there. Finally got some furniture in it, which helped immensely.

I supplied a lot of our decorations, so there's bits of my old life all over the place. That helps. If you have a chance to go out and choose things that you personally really like, or put things you like in prominent places, that should help too.

Good luck on the new you. I'm working on the new me too. Bit scary, but we'll figure it out yet. Smile
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Riley
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Thu Feb 21, 2013 1:38 am
Talking about with you guys has really helped a lot :3
It is scary and I do believe we'll figure it out eventually - we're resilliant creatures in that regard XD Good luck to you too =)
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