Thane the Profane
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Thu Aug 19, 2010 3:50 am
This is a short story that I am working on. It is a bit of a spin-off from my main story (and hopefully this will help get me past my writer's block that I am experiencing with it.)

It starts with one main character and then is supposed to move over to two different ones.

Feel free to comment on it. I'm curious on how well it flows to the readers and what sort of inferences they pull from it. Are you seeing it in the way I intended it? Feel free to ask questions so I can know what I need to expand upon.

It is not completed yet, so don't be suprised if it suddenly stops mid-paragraph.

Also, I do apologize for how long it is. I would like to post it in smaller chunks, but we can't double post in here, and I rather keep it all together versus interspersed between comment posts.

So...My story so far....


It was yet another bustling town, with some sort of appropriate name, no doubt. Thane didn't particualary care, he was just glad to be on his own for a bit. He weaved in, out, and between the crowds, trying to stick somewhat close to the thickest knots. He knew it was a lost cause. Kalous always managed to find him after a while, no matter what Thane did. And he had tried quite a few erratic "plans". Thane smiled wryly at the memory. Some of them had been a lot of fun, even if they didn't work.

Trying to duck directly out of town never worked either, of course. The second he left city limits Dair would find him. The dragon seemed incapable of shutting up at times. Once again, it din't matter what Thane would do to sneak away. Dair always found him, without fail. Then it was the multi-houred discussion until Kalous showed up. He figured the giant **** took his time at that point, in order to punish him. These conversations with Dair usually spiraled down to the same subject: his newest button, or buttons.

It always puzzled Thane as to where the hell he was getting them. Obviously the dragon stayed outside the city and hid from view. Since he hand't had panicked people begging him to "slay the monster", Thane had to assume he was successful. The dragon also got severly offended when asked if he was just eating people. In fact, he wouldn't speak to Thane for the rest of the day - which wasn't that bad, actually. Still, where was he getting the stupid buttons...

Lost in musing, Thane didn't realize that he had wandered into a small square that was packed with people. After a few minutes of absently trying to, he realized that he couldn't move through the crowd. Sighing and giving up for the moment, Thane moved to the outer edge and leaned against a wall. He could have back-tracked and tried to navigate past the square, but what was the point? It wasn't like he was going anywhere.

After a few seconds he realized what caused the blockage. Apparently there was some sort of performance going on. Two...minstrels, bards, annoyances...whatever you called them, were in the middle of the square singing some sort of ditty. It was apparently popular judging from the crowd's reaction. The man, a lithe, brown-haired fellow was merrily playing on his mandolin as pausing now and then to allow the crows to fill in the lyrics.

Thane was more interested in the other player, a raven-haired woman who seemed to be very talented with the flute. Her violet skirt fluttered around her as she danced around the other bard, her pigtails swinging wildly. Between the two of them they were pantomining quite an interesting performance. Curious and entranced by the girl, he began to pay attention to their tale.

'He squished the gooey grossness,
For his well-developed hostess.
He crushed the toothy monster,
For the nobleman's sweet daughter.
But for all of his hasteness,
He could not defeat their chasteness!'
"He's Thane the Profane!"

The crowd sang the last line loudly with much giggling as the bard pretended to crush monsters and steal a kiss. His partner danced away from him with coy looks and assumed modesty. Thane, on the other hand, was suddenly choking on thin air. But surely he heard them wrong...

'Many temples he has seen,
But not to pray or wisdom glean.
Blessings too he has turned down,
Causing many a priest to frown.
And his bladder will not falter,
When it's time for Holy Water.'
"He's Thane the Profane!"

Thane did not get to see what actions accompanied this verse, still trying to recover from lack of air. It was apparently hilarious though, as the corwd let out a huge roar of laughter. Unfortunately they also roared out the last line again. And there was no mistaking. Angrily, Thane began to push his way foward, determined to strangle the bard before he finished. Luck was against him though, and the crowd was too thick. Thane got to hear one more verse before reaching his goal.

So Keep away, you daughters
Even if he brings you flowers.
Add locks to your temple door
Or sacred ground you'll have no more.
He can be bought but not sold.
He will be like this even old.
He's Thane the Profane!

By the time Thane made his way to the makeshift platform, the girl had left. Which was fine with him, as he was more interested in murdering the person actually singing. The bard was still up there, smiling widely at the crowd and bowing. After a few minutes of deftly catching some coins that were tossed at him, he jumped off the platform.

By some miracle of will Thane did not just slug the man as he came into reach. He tried to talk to him. Honestly, he did! Unfortunately words would not come to Thane, and sputtered angrily in the attempt.

However, the gift of speech still resided with the bard and he took notice of Thane. Grinning broadly he moved closer in order to better present himself to what was obviously a fan.

"Wonderful show, eh? Great turnout. Thank-you so much for coming to see us. We really appreciate it. Can see you did too, red in the face from laughing, eh? Yeah, 'Thane the Profane' is a fan favorite. Get a ton of requests for it, we do. Every town has to hear it...."

That did it. Thane finally managed to get his anger working for him instead of against. Angrily he interrupted the singer, taking a menacing step closer.

"How many towns?!" he roared.

"I don't know. One tends to lose count," the bard took an instinctive step back.

""m going to kill you for this!" Thane took another step forward. To his surprise, so did the infuriating young man, eagerness written all over his face.

"Wait....are you Thane? You actually exist? Oh, wait until I tell Lyra! Be right back!" Before Thane could grab him the singer disappeared into the crowd.

"Why you..." A large hand clamped down on Thane's shoulder.

"Time to get going, Thane the Profane."


"Lyra, Lyra! Guess what?" Devin shouted as he entered the small inn. He ignored all the curious stares and made his way over to his partner.

My Shoppe
My Story
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Sat Aug 21, 2010 10:49 am
Very interesting and looks familiar... just a different "Way of writing".

Ever read the Mercedes Lackey books? Your writing reminds me very much of hers.

Will this part be added to your writing somehow? Smile
It is interesting as it slightly pulls you in... but coming from another author, I would like to see more detail of the town.. sure its got crowded streets and what sounds like a small town square... but there needs to be more details... probably would help to have back story if those parts are already known previously before this bit of writing.

Back story is why my writing turned into a series of 7 -9 books.... which actually helped with writers block as I have different stories I can work on at any given time. I am 2/3rds done with book 1, book 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 are started.. 7-9 will either be one book or broken down.... but its just because when i wrote the last book (last chapter already written too), i realized how much detail i was missing and ended up with full back story. books range across 4,000 years.

if you add more, if you could, please send me a message so i can check. Smile i will try to check back.. school has been kicking my rear along with designing 2 websites and a line of cards... but i want to make sure i get to read more if you post.
Clicky Baby Egg
Born sleeping into eternity
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Fri Aug 27, 2010 4:02 am
Thank you very much for the response! I am planning to write more to this one. This portion is intended to be a short story only. I have a "main" story that I am working on for this world which has more of the back story.

I do admit to having a hard time with details. I am always unsure on how much to put in, as I do not want to get bogged down in them. Also, I don't see well in pictures, so it is hard for me to write what something really looks like.

I will work on it though (school has been giving me a hard time as well, so it will be a while). Most assuredly I will let you know when I have updated.

My Shoppe
My Story
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