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Fri Aug 16, 2013 5:43 am |
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Despite the lack of interest in my first story -now removed- I will place my next attempt at catching someone's interest here. I hope it's more to other people's liking and I'll get some constructive comments. Please take the time to read it and don't be afraid to let me know how you feel even if it's something bad. I cannot grow as writer or even continue my story here if I have no feedback and/or no way of posting the next sections. Thanks for reading.
The trees bent in the force of the wind as she ran from the storm that chased her with its pelting rain and freezing wind that cut her to the bone. It was noon but looked to be midnight with the thickness of the clouds and if felt like mid-winter though it was barely August.
She’d been on a walk, looking for flowers to bring her ailing mother when the dark ominous clouds had opened up upon her with a blinding flash of light and booming thunder that scared her witless. The little girl ran headlong through the forest knowing not where she ran to but hoping to find some place that was properly safe from the monsters that slunk from their lairs during the night hours. She dodged to the side narrowly avoiding the teeth of an unknown predator and pushed herself harder as she now had to run from the storm and the predator in pursuit.
A blue flash as she glanced over her shoulder told her she was being pursued by a pack of hungry starving wolves, roughly ten pairs of eyes was what she counted in the brief flare of blue. She dodged through the trunks jumping over fallen trees and dead stumps, ducking under low branches, barely noticing when she burst through a blackberry thicket coming away with scratches and cuts that would sting later. Her clothes were torn at by the many fingers of the forest that reached out to grab her as she raced, terrified, through the trees finally being swooped up by a large man with an axe and a gun.
The man pulled the gun from his back and quickly shot each wolf square in the chest instantly killing them with nearly impossible precision. The last wolf landed with a dull thud just feet away and she turned to look at her father, smiling in relief when-
Kana woke with a start as she always did from the nightmare that had plagued her dreams for nearly fourteen years. She sat up and rubbed her face thinking of what had happened all those years ago.
Her father had been smiling at her, then, as she felt his body hit by an unrecognizable force, he fell, shocked, dropping her and rolling to his back staring at her with the blank empty eyes of a newly made corpse. She’d screamed and run to the house only to find her mother already dead and the dark figure of a stranger grabbing her and slipping a burlap bag over her head. She’d fought with all the strength a seven year old girl could muster but to no effect.
Over time she’d learned to trust her captors being taken in as one of their own. As part of the assassin’s guild. When assassination turned out to be impossible for her, she was taught by one of the best assassins and healers in the land to defend herself and heal others with accuracy and precision. In short order, she surpassed him in healing abilities and was allowed to leave.
Kana swung her legs over the edge of the bed and padded down the hall to the kitchen for a glass of water before finding out what had roused her from her slumber.A knock at her door stopped her before she could get to the kitchen. Curious as to who was at her door in the late hour, she grabbed a small blade and headed for the door.
“Can I help you?” She asked, when she found a rather desperate old man outside.
“It’s my wife.” He immediately responded, “She’s ill. I understand you’ve helped more than a few humans in your life.”
She could only blink at him for a long moment. She’d expected many people and many things. But a human? No. Usually they’d rather let their loved ones die rather than enlist the help of a dirty filthy seer such as herself.
One of the most powerful of her kind, she was often equated to the devil and called demon, among other things that should never be repeated in polite company. Seers had the ability to see the entire past of a person provided they had just two things in advance. The person’s full name and their age. One as powerful as Khanna was, could do so with no more than a touch. She was the only seer like herself. Opal eyes that bounced back and scattered even the tiniest bit of light that hit them. Even now she could see the tiny rainbows growing and scattering away as her eyes shifted color with the small movement of glancing past him.
He flinched away as she reached out towards him, setting her hand on his arm. His past was full of a fair share of mistakes but what she saw told her this man was a good and kind being and he’d done nothing more or less than adore and love his wife since the instant they’d met.
A soft smile curled on her lips as she nodded, “I will help, sir. I must dress before leaving. It is necessary I examine your wife before I can treat her.”
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Section 2
In the heart of this desert sand storm is a man is walking along a stone path. The sand passes through him with no resistance. The wind will not reach him. He is a ghost. He has short jet black hair, sapphire eyes and clothes in black and tones of blue. His skin is impossibly pale, a complete absence of color but for his hands, sapphire at the finger tips and fading to white at the mid forearm. His feet beneath the black leather are the same. A belt around his hips holds a polished faintly glowing sapphire.
The stone path revealed by the displaced sand does not exist. He is walking along a path that will never be reached by human eyes. The garden it leads to does not exist. It too will never be reached by human eyes. Both lay between the living realm and the dying.
HE reaches the garden and looks at the strange flowers. Some grow upside down, others are multicolored. All are unreal and impossible.
This is the place he woke three hundred years ago, no memory of who he was or what life he had. By coming here he was stalling. He had a schedule of deaths and souls to take but his next victim he did not want to take. He is lost in thought and barely notices the increasing tolling of bells.
He stops. That sound. The dull tolling of bells has finally caught his attention. It’s so familiar but he cannot place it. Suddenly a voice enters his mind, WHO ARE YOU TO TREAD ON THE LAND OF THE ANCIENTS?
The question amuses the man and he laughs, dull and hollow, “Who am I? I am Death. I have been renamed Thanatos. I am a soul drinker. The only survivor of my kind.” He replies.
The nameless man is calm as an ancient ghost appears before him. The ghost shows its body’s current condition. Its flesh had long since rotted away, leaving mummified tatters of skin stretched tight over the horrible grinning teeth. The empty sockets turn on him.
WHAT IS YOUR EXISTANCE? The ancient asks.
“My purpose is to keep the forsaken and undead like you from walking the Earth.”
The ancient laughs at this. YOU ARE NOT FULFILLING THAT PURPOSE.
He smiles, dry and cruel, “You know I won’t take you. You don’t deserve it.” He pauses only for effect, “Besides, if I took you then who would I talk to?”
YOU ARE PITIFUL. YOU KEEP ME IN TORTURE FOR YOUR OWN SELFISH GAIN. TELL ME, DO YOU MISS THEM?
The man looks away, infuriated. The rest of his kind faded away centuries ago, leaving him alone to protect the human world. He hadn’t seen another of his kind since before the Roman Empire fell but he cursed their cowardly ways. Humans couldn’t see him, the forsaken fought him. Despite keeping an ancient alive he’d become a shell, empty and cruel.
Suddenly he starts away. He’s stalled long enough, now he must steal and consume the soul of the next pitiable target.
A shame. She is the only one of her kind as well.
_________________
The Spoon Asylum
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 Knight of Zantarni
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Sun Sep 01, 2013 1:17 am |
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I like the concept of your story, it is very intriguing. However, I found that I had some trouble reading it. I don't know if it's just me but the sentences felt a little long at points...or maybe it was just that it felt like it sometimes missed the needed commas. For example, whenever you have a 'but' at the middle of the sentence there should be a comma before it. (Edit: Actually, not all the time. I looked it up, and it's only when the 'but' is joining two stand alone sentences.)
One trick I heard of for knowing when to add commas or periods is to read your writing out loud. Whenever you pause naturally, you probably need one of them there.
Also for these two sentences here in the third last paragraph of the first section, you should probably use a colon so they are more connected. For example, it'd be:
| Quote: |
| Seers had the ability to see the entire past of a person provided they had just two things in advance: The person’s full name and their age. |
Other than that, as I said the concept is interesting. The flashback at the beginning had a little red riding hood vibe to me, but more dark. I'm interested to see where this goes 
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